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So a week before my eighteenth birthday
my dad got re-married for the third time in vegas. He brought my little sister down with him and his new wife and flew my brother and I out to be in the wedding. So we spent about a week there in the hotel, watched my dad get married, and made my way back to Salt Lake.
I got back on Thursday of that week and hung out at home with some friends that night. My boyfriend at the time worked graves so usually our friends would come over and keep me company as our neighborhood wasn’t exactly the safest. So we’re hanging out (watching porn, I think) and they’re looking at stuff online. It’s around 4 in the morning when someone chirps up with some info about a show that’s going on in Vegas. The Adicts are playing. So we decide to go to Vegas right then and there.
Now the thing that I should point out here is between the five of us we literally had about 50 dollars to our name. And we have no plan on how we’re getting to Vegas, let alone how we’re getting all five of us in the show.
So five of us; me, Johnny, Amanda and Trevor and Jerry are all piled into a gas hogging Jeep Cherokee. We take off for Vegas around 7 in the morning headed for the show that’s taking place that Saturday night (July 2nd - my birthday). We get there around 2 on Friday afternoon and we’re trying to figure out what we are going to do that night. After wandering around we see that there is a long line of cars headed somewhere. We park and walk in the direction of the cars. There is a free concert going on with The Adolescents and Weezer. Even though it’s free you have to have tickets that you printed out online, probably for capacity reasons. So we hang out asking if anyone has any extra tickets for the show. We end up collecting 4. We can’t get another one no matter what we do, so we decide that we’re going to see if for some reason, we can sell the tickets to people who were looking for extras like we were.
Somehow we end up collecting 10 bucks for each free ticket (no idea how…) and we decide that since my birthday is going to be kind of soon we may as well get some beer. None of us are 21 so we ask some old guys near a gas station if they will buy us some beer and they can use our money to buy their cigarettes. They do, and we’re happy. They’re happy. Everyone is ecstatic. Since we have almost no money (we’ve already bought gas at this point a couple of times), we decide that we’re going to spend the night in the desert. Keep in mind, this is the middle of the summer. So midnight hits, it’s officially my birthday, and we open the 12p pack of beer. That’s when we notice that they got us bottles. Twist off caps? Nope.
So we end up breaking the bottles over rocks (apparently none of us had a bottle opener on us) and pour the beer into our mouths. I cut the roof of my mouth on the top of the bottle, someone else drops their bottle and cuts their leg open, and we eventually decide to call it a night after getting through all the beers.
Amanda and Trevor are together, so they take the inside of the jeep. The entire inside. Johnny sleeps on the roof of the jeep and Jerry sleeps on the hood, leaving me to my own devices. I walk a bit away (in case Trevor or Amanda decide they need to drive somewhere in the middle of the night and they don’t see me and I end up ran over) and curl up on the ground.
I wake up probably four or five hours later (no phone or watch on me at the time, but the sun was up-ish) and walk around for a while waiting for everyone to wake up. They all eventually wake up and decide to find the venue for the show. We find the venue and notice some kids hanging out that seem to have a lot of stuff on them. Turns out they’re also from Salt Lake City and came to see the show as well. They happen to have a hotel room though. We hang out with them for the rest of the day, randomly getting water and spending our money on cheap food and probably stealing things from Rite Aid, then eventually make our way back to the show.
I have no idea how we got in, as it was a pretty big show, but somehow we’re in. At some point throughout the night I get slipped GHB (didn’t know at the time… didn’t know until I was randomly passing out later), Johnny’s rib gets broken and I get a toe broken.
Somehow we end up back at the hotel room that is now housing 12 or 13 people. We decide that we should call some escorts*. We end up listening to them fucking one of the guys for a while, one twin gets bored and me and one of the Salt Lake City kids (Nick**) and the escort walk around town for a while. We end up making a collection of those stripper cards, get back to the hotel room at around 6 in the morning and climb on the roof of the hotel (I have no idea how we managed that). Nick and I lay on the roof for a while, fall asleep for an hour or so and get down in time to check out. We all say our goodbyes and head back to SLC.
I get back, hang out with some friends, smoke some pot and end up passing out in between a cement construction cylinder and a suspended river (it was around three feet off the ground, the cylinder was underneath and I passed out while laying on top of the cylinder), get my face all cut up by being dragged out by my friends who actually did a pretty good job of not banging me up too badly considering there were about three inches of space between me and the river, and eventually make it home to find a cat who I named Maestro waiting for me for my birthday. [holy geez, long sentence.]
*I still know the escorts. After getting back from SLC, both of them look all of us up on MySpace and add us. One of them is married and has two kids now (the one that didn’t get bored and fucked the dude in the hotel for hours) and the other is opening her own floral business or something like that.
**Nick and I also still talk a lot, although we haven’t seen each other in years and we live in the same valley.
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The Dildo Story…
What’s funnier than a dildo? Nothing is the correct answer. Now being the comedicaly heightened youth that i was i knew this fact at the age of 18. So one fine evening during the summer of 2003 i decided to purchase a dildo for the sheer comedy of it. Now being that i didn’t have my drivers license nor a California State ID and only a shitty high school id (i had graduated earlier that year) I couldn’t purchase the dildo myself. This lead to me asking my best friend David to do more than just take a bullet, he had to take the stares and looks of the people in porn store as he perused the dildo section and pick just the perfect one. But thankfully he’s a stand up bro and is always down for a joke. So a group of us proceeded to downtown Pasadena to and headed to ye olde fashioned porn shoppe. I handed David 20 bucks and sent him on his mission. 10 minutes later he bursts forth from the stores entry way with a brown bag. Knowing my ticket to comedy superstardom was inside i quickly snatched the bag away from him. Pulling the dildo quickly out of the bag i proceed to ram it head first into air victorious! I then immediately turn and slap the person closest to me in the face, followed by raucous laughter. The dildo quickly changed hands in the group as we ran around as youthful slackabouts. Next we made our way to the local In-N-Out eatery. After ordering my Double Double animal style with fries and a coke, I decided to continue the comedy. I went to my friend automobile and extracted the dildo, then proceeded to shove it into my pants by the balls so it would hang out. I then sat myself upon the wall and let the glory that is “me” present itself for all to see. I got several laughs from passing strangers even a few propositions, but the straw that broke the dildos shaft was the mother of the two 15 year olds that walked past. While i didn’t see her she must have seen me and my piece. Five minutes later a police car rolls into the parking lot. Acting quickly i jumped off the wall, shoved the dildo under my sweatshirt and joined my friends in conversation. Seconds later the police officer walks up to my friends and I points to me and says, “Come here.” I turn slowly and step lightly over to officer, he then tells me to “Pull it out.” Understanding he request i remove the dildo from my under my sweat shirt. Holding it by the shaft the officer looks at me, then the dildo, then me, dildo and finally back to me, then says “Sit down” and gestures to the cement ring around a planter. So i walk over to the planter sit and prop the dildo next to me on it’s balls so that it’s pointing upward towards the ever accepting sky. The officer then proceeds back to his vehicle, pops the trunk and removes his book of penal codes (get it). After 5-10 minutes od searching he gives up and returns to me and tells me to put the dildo away and never bring it out again. My guess is that he couldn’t find anything to actually charge me with.
Epilogue: After another adventure with the dildo (i will retell this one later) i gave it up to David. He later told me that he had passed it on to another and had lost track of it after that. Then a month later i heard two tales involving dildos not knowing if they were true or involved mine i still smiled happy to know that the little guy was still bringing laughs.
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When I was twelve, my bedroom was on the second story, which I shared with my six-year-old brother. The screen on our window was broken and missing. I walked into the room one day and found my cousin, who was also six, climbing out the window. I yelled for him and ran towards him to stop him from jumping out. I reached him in time to grab his hands from the ledge and tried to pull him up. Unfortunately, I wasn’t strong enough. I yelled for my mom and she came and helped me pull him up. Then we noticed the reason my cousin was trying to go out the window. My little brother had already jumped and had started walking toward the front of the house. There wasn’t a scratch on him.
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When I was about 8, my older sister and I went to go play in a large mound of dirt in the woods behind my grandparents’ house. The local kids would ride their dirt bikes on it and we wanted to go watch. There was no one there so we started walking around the dirt hill and checking out the tracks and jumps.
After a while, we started heading for home. Unfortunately, there were two paths through the woods, one of each side of the dirt hill, and they looked exactly alike. My sister was sure it was one and I was sure it was another. Both being stubborn children, we decided to take our own paths and we would laugh at the other when they had to turn around.
After about half an hour of walking, I started to realize that I was the one that was going to get laughed at. I couldn’t let that happen and decided to make a wide arc from my path around to the other direction so that I was technically still right.
About an hour went by and I came to some train tracks. Having never seen train tracks anywhere near my grandparents’ house, I decided I was lost. My common sense told me that the tracks had to lead somewhere so I started following them.
It was getting dark when a police officer drove came out of the woods on a motorcycle. There were no roads nearby so I don’t know where he came from and no one had sent him looking for me. He didn’t explain, but somehow he just showed up.
He put me on the back of his bike and drove me to the police station. I told him my grandmparents’ name and they called them to come pick me up.
First and best ride on a motorcycle ever.
